


something tragic about you

by magicandlight



Series: The States [22]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Statetalia
Genre: 5+1 Things, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Hurt Some Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, except its 4+1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24547930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicandlight/pseuds/magicandlight
Summary: four times someone touched Austin's scars, and one time someone kissed them.
Relationships: (past), California/New York/Texas (Hetalia), Louisiana & Texas, Minnesota/Oklahoma/Texas (Hetalia)
Series: The States [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/788712
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	something tragic about you

**Author's Note:**

> tw: implied/referenced suicide, kind of self-harm, JACKSON.

i.

Austin jerks his arm away when he feels Brooke brush her thumb up one of the scars running the length of his forearms, instantly pulled from his half asleep doze. 

“Don't wake up Callie,” Brooke chastises, voice soft, even when paired with her sleep-thick accent.

Brooke brings his hand up to kiss his knuckles when he doesn't respond. Reflexively, he cups her cheek, letting her nuzzle against his palm. 

“Alamo, right?” She continues once Austin’s relaxed again. 

The question is like a bucket of ice water to the senses.

“How-” Austin abruptly remembers that Brooke is old enough to have heard about his stunt at the Alamo. “Nevermind.” 

“Yes,” he tells her when he realizes he didn't answer her. 

Brooke is quiet enough that he would have thought she fell asleep if he didn't know better. Cal shifts in her sleep, tucking her face against Austin's side.

“Will they…” Austin trails off. 

“They're your first life scars, they may fade but they'll never fully go away,” Brooke tells him before he can get the question out. It’s easier to appreciate Brooke’s bluntness when she’s not destroying any hope he had left that the scars would go away. 

Austin processes that, accepting it even though it makes his heart sink. He’d made his bed, and he’d lie in it without complaint if it meant his people were free. “Where's yours?” 

Brooke has more scars than he does, but Austin has the creeping feeling he’ll catch up sooner rather than later. Austin can’t even begin to guess which one it is. 

Brooke doesn't answer him aloud, just pulls his hand away from her face and down to a scar just left of her sternum. It’s small, not much bigger than a fingertip. “The exit wound’s on my back.”

She sounds disinterested, maybe even bored, but Austin knows she's not. 

Brooke is complicated, but she's not as cold as some of the others say she is. She's not heartless, just… guarded. For good reason. 

“I died for someone who hated me.” Brooke says after a few beats of silence. 

Austin would shrug, if Cal wasn't asleep on him. “Doesn't mean it didn't mean anything. Meant something to him, I'd bet.”

“Thank you,” Brooke whispers, voice a little rough on the edges, and Austin has to wonder how many people have told her that her life meant something before. 

Brooke wraps her hand around his wrist, fingertips over the scar. She does it slowly, waiting for him to pull away. He doesn’t. 

She’s the first person to ever touch the scars. Alejandra had just cried when she saw them and Alfred had thought he’d wanted space. Carmen had been upset with him and she wasn’t the affectionate type to begin with. 

“Other people might judge you for what you had to do, but I never will. I understand.” 

Some part of him might always be in love with her, just for that gentle compassion in that one moment. 

ii.

“Elizabeth thinks I should run away,” Evangeline says conversationally as he stitches her back together, like she’s talking about the weather rather than defecting. 

Austin pauses. “And?”

“And I’m asking your opinion on the matter.”

Austin thinks, quietly finishing her stitches. Thirteen more stitches to add to all the other ones he’s done for her.

He sits down beside her on the bed. 

Evangeline’s no replacement for Carmen, no one could be, but she’s like his sister too. 

“Sometimes,” Austin begins, “You have to know when to step away.”

Evangeline looks at him, then drops her gaze to where he’d subconsciously started scratching at one of his scars. She puts her hand over his. 

Austin stops. When Evangeline traces the path of the scar, he just stays still.

“You didn’t run.” From anyone else, it would sound like an accusation. From Evangeline, it just sounds sad. 

Austin shrugs. “Maybe I should have. I don’t know. I didn’t but- it cost me. It cost me a lot.”

His relationship with his mother, his sister. His life. He could have left, could have Stepped anywhere in his territory, but he’d chosen to die there with his men, to prove a point. To prove that he wouldn’t back down. 

He can’t regret it, but it doesn’t mean he wished it hadn’t gone down that way. 

Evangeline’s face crumples. “I’ll miss you,” she says tremulously, flinging herself at him. 

Austin hugs her tightly, careful of the fresh stitches in her shoulder. “Come on, at least act like it’s not the last time you’ll see me.”

Evangeline laughs, but it sounds more like a sob.

iii.

Austin sits up when he hears his door open, then falls back when he sees it’s just Callie. 

It feels weird to be back in this room, after five years away. He hadn’t been naive back then, but he hadn’t been quite as jaded either. 

“Are you here for an apology? To brag?”

Cal raises her eyebrows. “What exactly is there to apologize for?”

Austin shrugs. “Scott seems to expect one from Ginny.”

He almost chokes on her name, because thinking about Ginny makes him think of the day she left. The letter carved onto her stomach. The ripped shirt, buttons scattered across the floor. Blood matting blonde hair. Before that, the dark bruises on her throat, the burst blood vessels around her eyes. 

He needs to check on her, before he goes to sleep tonight, just to be sure. Evangeline too, because he hadn’t seen her for two years when she showed up yesterday. 

Tim too, he thinks, remembering what Tim had looked like curled up on the floor of his closet. 

Austin resigns himself to making the rounds to account for all of them. 

“Hey.” Cal says, and Austin registers for the first time that she’s laid down beside him. Cal gives him a concerned look. “Where’d you go?”

Austin looks away, staring at the ceiling, the stars painted there. Holding Brooke on his shoulders so she could paint them felt like such a long time ago. “Nowhere. Just thinking. So why are you here, if not for an apology?”

Cal sighs. “You might think no one’s noticed, but I know what they looked like before. Brooke, when she comes back for Thanksgiving, she’ll be able to tell too.”

Austin’s blood goes cold. He of all people should know better than to underestimate Cal, but he had. Cal, one of the few people that had seen his scars up close. Cal, one of three people who'd ever touched his scars. Cal, who was stubborn and nosy to a fault. 

He turns to face Cal. “What-”

“Don’t lie to me,” Cal interrupts. “I don’t think you did it. I know you, Austin Aritza-”

‘’That’s not my name,” Austin interjects.

Cal rolls her eyes at him. “Austin Zavala. Whatever you want to call yourself. _ I know you _ .”

Austin narrows his eyes at her. “What if I did do it?”

Cal looks at him. 

Without warning, she grabs his arms, fingers slipping under the long sleeve and pressing against his scars. 

Austin flinches violently. Cal lets go immediately.

“You didn’t do it,” Cal says, triumph dimmed in the wake of his panic. “None of the others did either. And since I doubt a human could manage it, there’s only one suspect left.”

Austin’s silence is enough of an answer. 

“He knew, didn’t he? Everything that Alfred knew.” 

Austin glances at Cal, reads her like a book. “What did Jackson say to you?”

“Nothing of importance.” It’s a lie, but Austin lets her get away with it. “But he knew, didn’t he, what it would do to you when he sliced it open again? Knew what they meant to you?”

Liberty or death, Austin had written, bleeding out in degrees, letters messy because he hadn’t thought to do it before. 

Liberty or death, Jackson had crooned, twirling his knife around his fingers when Austin was holding his bleeding arm, forehead dripping blood into his eyes. Because he stopped Jackson. Because Ginny had gotten away. 

Austin chokes on his next breath. The next few seconds are a whirlwind of motion and sound as Cal makes him sit up, makes him breathe with her. 

“I’m going to throw up,” Austin gasps and Cal is up and shoving a wastebasket in his hands just in time. 

Cal runs her fingers through his hair, just holding him as he goes limp against her. She takes the basket and sets it down on the ground when he’s done and just holds him for what feels like hours. 

Daniel pops his head in, forcing a smile when he sees Cal, then leaves again. Gin sweeps in at one point, bearing two cups of tea and taking the wastebasket without a word. 

Cal looks at him when Scarlett raps her knuckles against the doorframe and wishes him goodnight. 

“We’ve got separation anxiety,” Austin deadpans, even though he’s not joking. “They’re checking in.”

Cal accepts this quietly. “I can stay, if you want me to. Unless you think it’s improper to have a young lady in your bed, of course.” He doesn’t even have to look at her to know she’s got a ridiculous grin on her face.

Austin groans. “One time, and you never let me live it down. It was improper! I had you and  _ Brooke _ , might I remind you, I don’t even want to know what the governor thought-”

He doesn't bring up that he slept in Evangeline's room last night, or that he'd spent a few nights on Tim’s couch before he talked everything out with Kendall. That Flora sometimes came here to sleep.

Cal shrugs. “Probably nothing worse than the stuff we  _ did _ do.”

Austin flushes and smacks her arm. 

Cal’s smile softens. “Seriously. Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” 

“If you’re okay with that- I wouldn’t mind it.” Austin finishes lamely. 

Cal raises her eyebrows like  _ yeah, sure _ .

“Just, could you-” Austin cuts himself off and just rolls up his sleeve, taking Cal’s hand and pressing her palm to the scar tissue. 

This one’s more prominent now, since Jackson ripped open decades-old scar tissue. 

Cal spreads her fingers wider, trying to cover more. 

“It was mine, you know? I don’t want him to take that from me.” Austin whispers, and Cal just nods. 

iv. 

“You’re beautiful,” Austin whispers, kissing Mindy’s jaw. 

She props herself on her elbows so she can sit up and he can peel her shirt off, chucking it across the bedroom. 

Mindy arched up towards him when he trailed his fingers over her stomach. “You’re warm,” she informs him, pleased. 

“You’re freezing,” Austin tells her, and she just laughs. 

Mindy laughs. "It's winter, and we don't all have the benefit of being on the equator." 

She cupped his face and kissed him, hard. 

He vaguely felt her undoing the buttons on his shirt, slipping it over his shoulders, down his forearms. He was too focused on kissing her neck to think about what that meant until she gasped and he felt her fingertips on his scars.

Austin pulls back, gauging her reaction. Honestly, he thought she’d already seen them. He didn’t actively try to hide them, after all. But he didn’t showcase them either. 

"I -I had no idea they were so-" She cut herself off.

So what? Vicious? Brutal? Angry?

"I'm sorry," she finally settles on. 

“I don’t regret them,” Austin tells her, just to get that out of the way. 

Because if Mindy doesn’t understand that, then he’ll be spending the rest of the night calling Cal and Brooke and getting trashed on Brooke’s poor excuse for whiskey, since she only buys good vodka.

Mindy just looks at him silently, though. Austin shivers at the feeling of her ice-cube fingers tracing his scars. 

“That’s okay,” Mindy tells him, so sincere it hurts his heart.

v.

Austin wakes up with Theo’s face tucked into his shoulder, soft exhales tickling his neck, and Mindy almost entirely under the blanket, one of her arms reaching over Theo to rest on Austin’s side. 

Austin lays there for a second before he starts to get out of bed, considering tossing together a quick breakfast and maybe breaking out the trays and bringing it to them in bed if they don't wake up before he can do it.

His plans are ruined when Theo latches onto him. 

“No. Stay.” 

Austin laughs quietly, watching Mindy’s nose scrunch up as Theo’s movement wakes her up. 

“Darling-” Theo shoots him a look at the pet name in combination with the early morning accent. Austin has a feeling that if he wasn't still a little asleep, Theo would be kissing him right now. 

He makes a note to experiment with that later. 

Mindy yawns, nuzzles against Theo’s shoulder, humming her satisfaction when he moves so she can kiss him. And then she leans over him and kisses Austin, too. 

She knocks her nose against his and Austin just smiles at her uncoordinated movements, just glad she didn't smack their teeth together.

Theo brings Austin's hand up to kiss his knuckles, and then impulsively, kisses the inside of Austin’s wrist. 

Where his scar starts. 

Austin freezes, mind going blank. 

He pulls his arm away from Theo abruptly, putting his hands over his face because fuck, fuck, he's crying. 

_ Why am I crying?  _ Austin thinks frantically. 

The bed shifts as one of them moves, and then Mindy lays a hand on his shoulder. “Austin?”

“Fine. Fine, just-” his voice cracks. Theo sits up. 

“Are you  _ crying _ ?” Theo asks, sounding both horrified and guilty.

Austin's chest tightens. Great. Great. His boyfriend kissed one of his scars and he just started crying. Great. 

“No,” Austin says, unconvincingly. God, maybe he should have taken Brooke up on the Broadway play offers. Absorb acting skills by osmosis. “Just. It's fine. I'm fine- I'll just-” He sits up, swinging his feet out of bed, but Mindy stops him, halfway climbing in his lap. 

“Hey, no, what's wrong?” Mindy runs her fingers through his hair, scritching her nails against his scalp soothingly. Any other time, playing with his hair would have made him go completely limp. 

She pulls his hands away from his face gently. Austin closes his eyes, but that doesn't hide the tear tracks. 

“They're not pretty-” Austin blurts out. “And it's worse, for most people, that I did them to myself, because that's not excusable, so I know. There's only been a few people that weren't scared off by the fact that I killed myself-” 

His voice cracks. Theo leans forward to wrap his arms around his waist, dropping his head against Austin’s shoulder. 

“So you- it's just.” Austin makes a half frantic, incomprehensible hand gesture. “It's a lot.” He settles with, when he can't find the words he wants. 

They're both silent. 

Austin opens his eyes. Mindy is looking at him evenly, no pity in her eyes. 

Holding eye contact the entire time, she pulls his arms up and kisses one scar, then the other. 

Then she scrambles off his lap, standing and shucking off her pajama pants. 

Austin raises his eyebrows. 

“Mindy, is this  _ really _ -?” Theo begins, then cuts himself off when Mindy gestures to the shrapnel scars on her calf. 

“You dug seven shrapnel pieces out of my leg, even though you barely knew me. You healed them-”

“You healed her?” Theo asks, setting his chin on Austin’s shoulder. “I thought you hated healing people.”

“He did,” Mindy confirms. 

“You were dying,” Austin interjects. “What was I supposed to do?” 

“We were on opposite sides of the war. You could have left me and no one would have known.”

“Yeah, and if I remember correctly, you yelled at me for  _ not _ doing that.”

“Exactly!” 

She’s lost him now. He scrubs at his face. 

“You know those things about returning the shopping cart to the thing even though you don't have to?”

“... _ What _ ?” Theo blurts out. Looks like she's lost him too. Mindy ignores him. 

“You did it even though you had absolutely nothing to gain. You are such a good person and I love you so much. How could these,” Mindy gestures to his arms, “change that?”

“That was one of her more bizarre analogies,” Theo murmurs. “But she's not wrong. I love you too.” 

Mindy hits Theo’s arm. 

Theo shoots her a look. “You brought up  _ shopping carts _ .” 

“But it worked!”

Austin rolls his eyes and sighs, pulling Mindy back into his lap, where she just continues bickering with Theo. 

“I love you guys, too.” Austin says, and both of them pause their bickering to smile at him. 

**Author's Note:**

> title from Hozier's From Eden.
> 
> tbh I love Austin and Brooke casually telling each other that their lives meant something. They will always be one of my brotps. Also if you think Mindy's a little weird, good. She's Minnesota. She will always be badass and awkward as hell in equal measures.


End file.
